And That, Boys and Girls, Is Why We Don't Play with Balls

Danger lurks ubiquitously if I’m in the room.

You can read here, here and here for a review on how incredibly uncoordinated and accident-prone I am. I think I’ve done everything but make a banner to get that through to people. I’m considering very seriously strapping a hazard sign to my ass – permanently.  It will say “Danger Ranger” on it.  If it’s danger, I will find it.

I used to look at it as a curse. 

I think it started when my parents brought me home from the hospital and my older sister insisted on ripping my arms off.  Since my loving parents wouldn’t allow her to do that (thank you, by the way) I think she secretly cursed me to a life-time of trips, falls, face-plants and random acts of my hips popping out. 

She slammed my hand in a car door when I was five.  Truman’s ears were damaged from that little moment of ‘freak-out’ that I had.  She says it was an “accident” but we all know that secretly (inside) she was doing the happy dance. 

Truth be told, I’m a klutz.  Not long ago, I tried to prove my toughness by entering in woman’s Rugby team.  I made 3 practices and 1 game before I received my ass in a basket with a bow as a parting gift.  My next practice I managed to hyper-extend my knee.  (THANK GOD!).  (Ahem) Unfortunately I was unable to continue my future career as a Rugby player.

On a bowling excursion, while using impeccable form and brute strength, I hyper-extended my knee again.  This was Mr. Fricken Awesome’s first experience with my supreme ability to damage my joints. 

Six months after that adventure, I managed to pop my hip out simply just by standing.  While helping Mom Number 2 with Thanksgiving, I did absolutely nothing to put myself in harms way, other than show up.  Five years later, and my hip will inadvertently pop out at any given time and I go from walking like a normal person, to requiring a walker and a pain pill.

Last Spring, for a third time, I hyper-extended my knee again.  With each instance, the activity becomes less and less impressive.  This time I was running (kind of) – only because there was mud and I didn’t want to walk through it, so I ran and once I hit dry ground I resumed walking.  Upon that initial impact, there went my knee – backwards. 

Throw in the time I clothes lined myself on string, slipped and fell during a water fight, planted flowers which resulted in 2 days of back pain, cut my finger 3 different times with a potato peeler and fell off of my toilet, and you have a Class A one of a kind, certified doorknob. 

Last Wednesday, I managed the move of all bonehead moves.  While playing with my pup I was teasing him with his tennis ball.  Proving my dominance and the fact that I wanted to portray “pack leader” status, I kept my foot on the tennis ball and fed off his desire to take the ball from me.  I rolled the ball back with my foot, cocked my foot back and brought it forward and jammed my toe directly into the concrete. 

Mr. Fricken Awesome and my pup both looked at me in awe as I danced around and dropped about thirty “F” bombs.  For five days, I’ve been unable to wear real shoes or participate in any extra-curricular activities as I successfully gave myself “Turf Toe”.  (Reason number 32, why we don’t play soccer with a tennis ball.)

In case you aren’t familiar with ‘Turf Toe’, allow me to enlighten you.  You can click here to read the article, Turf Toe, by Jonathan Cluett, M.D.   It’s very enlightening. And not to take away from him, I’m going to dumb-it-down for you just in case you lack that special part of your brain (as I do) that enables you to read big words.

What Is Turf Toe:  

Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, located at the ball of the foot. The condition is usually caused from either jamming the toe, or pushing off repeatedly when running or jumping. **or by kicking a tennis ball and missing the mark completely ** The most common complaint is pain at the base of the toe, but you may also have symptoms of stiffness and swelling.  **And random acts of whining and crying**

Causes of Turf Toe:

The name "turf toe" comes from the fact that this injury is especially common among athletes **or regular ‘Janes’ **  who play on artificial turf **or concrete**. The hard surface of artificial turf, combined with running and jumping in football and soccer **or tencer (pronounced TEN-KUR) for Tennis/Soccer**, make turf toe a frequent consequence of artificial turf **or concrete** play. There has also been some blame on athletic footwear. Flexible shoes, especially used in competition  **and house slippers with broken soles**, provides less support to the forefoot joints, possibly contributing to the prevalence of turf toe.

Effects on the Toe:

When a player **or stupid woman in slippers ** sustains a turf toe injury, they are actually tearing the capsule that surrounds the joint at the base of the toe. **Otherwise known as Holy MF that f’ing smarts!** Tearing this joint capsule can be extremely painful. **No shit** Furthermore, tears of the joint capsule can lead to instability and even dislocation of the joint at the base of the toe. This can cause accelerated cartilage wear and arthritis of the big toe (hallux rigidus).  **What he said**

I’m all out of excuses.  I’m embarrassed and un-impressed at my lack of judgment.  The shitty part is, because there were witnesses, I can’t even embellish.  It’s like getting caught by your child with candy in your mouth.  You have no choice but to either choke on the candy to avoid being caught, or chew it right there in front of them and fess up.

I’m off to paint my banner.