Whoops, Was That My Out Loud Voice?

You too could be like Dr. Laura Schlessinger if you follow these simple steps:

1.     Don’t have sex. Ever. Or at least until you’re married, and your husband

can prove to provide for you and your family. – Pretty realistic and obtainable right?

2.     If you are married, and you do get pregnant.  Quit your job.  You are a

“Dead-beat” Mom/Dad if you don’t.

3.     If you and your husband aren’t getting along.  It’s your fault.  Period. 

Just read her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

4.     If that doesn’t work, read The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives. What?

Oh that book doesn’t exist?  Shit.  Disregard this point.

5.     Be judgmental.  There can never be “circumstance” and there is no such

thing as “shit happens”.

I should have taken Broadcast Journalism in College.  Then I too could have my own radio show and people from all over the country would call me and I could degrade them and call them ugly names and get paid for it! 

I need to get this rant off my chest. 

She’s a self-righteous bitch who thinks that women were bred to give birth and please their man – period.  Oh, well thank you Dr. Laura, that was a nice trip back to 1952, welcome to two thousand and fricken TEN, where women actually get to think for themselves and vote and other neato stuff!

If you enjoy listening to her (and you actually like her), you should probably stop reading this post now. 

Or go ahead.  I don’t care.  It’s my opinion – and my blog.  (Said with hands on hips doing the ‘neener neener’ dance.)

So while flipping through my radio stations earlier I came across a news broadcast.  I listened to the weather, traffic updates, news of the upcoming Avatar Trilogy that is supposed to happen, and my mind started drifting. 

Next thing I know . . . “I’m feelin’ good from my head to my shoes…” filled the cab of my truck and the hairs on my arms stood straight up.  Great. What does ‘Loud Mouth Laura’ (LML) have to say today to her following who, by the way, will line up for miles just to smell where her shit came from.

She mused on about an ‘Email of the day’ from a lady that “Gained common sense” (her words, not mine) by listening to LML and becoming a ‘Stay-At-Home-Mommy”.  LML patted herself on the back and received her compliments not so modestly. 

When she was done throwing a party for herself, she took her first caller, a younger Mom with a five-year-old daughter.  This Mom was having an ‘inner battle’ with herself because of her frustrations towards the daughter’s father. 

I can’t tell you what the actual question was because LML interrupted her at least a dozen times (as usual) and read her the riot act up one side and down the other. 

The gist of the story was the young woman and the baby’s father had just settled in court over the custody of the child.  The father left the young woman 4 days after the baby was born because (in the woman’s words) “He wasn’t ready.”  LML questioned the mother on why he wasn’t ready.  Before the gal could answer LML’s question, the psycho doctor pounced on her with, “Were you married?” 

“No. We weren’t.”  The caller replied.

I actually saw a puff of smoke rise on the horizon from LML’s over-dramatic response, “. . . so you decided to make babies with a guy you weren’t married to, what did you expect?”  (Paraphrasing just happened.)

The woman replied with “Well we were planning on getting married – “ interrupted again, LML spit up all over herself with, “But you didn’t! Instead, you made babies.” (Rant, rant, rant, bitch, moan, piss, fart – loud boom.) “Do you know the size of birds brain? It’s tiny.  Even a bird knows to make a nest before they lay eggs, but for some reason, women haven’t grasped that concept yet!”   Thank you for the gender profiling. 

I don’t even know what the woman’s response was, because by this time I was screaming at the radio.  I missed her reply but luckily was able to catch the one phrase that sent me into an ‘F’ bomb seizure.

LML reached through the microphone and climbed up this woman’s ass.  She finished her tirade on this poor woman with (and I’m paraphrasing here a bit because I don’t remember word for word so don’t get all high and mighty on me about this – I remembered the important accusations) “. . . This whole thing is entirely your fault . . . this is out of vengeance because you are mad at the father because he didn’t want you . . . he wants to be a part of that child’s life and so he should be, but you didn’t want that.  It’s your fault you got pregnant.  You laid on your back . . . and made this baby!”   She hung up on the woman.

My two cents.

I agree that there are some pretty brain-dead women out there.  Read here for my thoughts on that.  And I agree if a child’s father wants to be a part of his kid’s life, then he has the divine right.  And vise-versa.  However, brace yourselves because I’m one pissed off Momma right now; where on God’s green earth does LML get off accusing this woman of getting herself pregnant?  Is she that incompetent that she doesn’t remember spreading her legs?  I’m pretty sure that unless she is the Virgin Mary, there was no immaculate conception in this case. 

Dr. Laura, let me enlighten you on something. Boys have a penis, and girls have vaginas.  When the car gets parked in the garage and the oil leaks, the garage floor becomes stained.

Secondly, there are single parents out there everywhere, some by choice some not.  Who in the hell are you to sit there behind your microphone and judge someone based off of a 2-minute conversation?   Shit happens.  Divorce happens.  Egos happen.  But there is no excuse for divorce, single parent-hood or working Mom’s with LML.  She suffocates the life out of any single Mom or working Mom (or both in more cases than not) by telling them they are doing wrong by putting their children into daycare, or by not staying home.  God forbid if they should partake in extra curricular activities in their relationship prior to a ring and a walk down the aisle.

We are not living in 1892 anymore!  People have sex.  Some are stupid and don’t practice safe sex.  Some do and shit happens.  I don’t recall there being a statistic out there that says if you get pregnant before marriage, it proves that your IQ is smaller and you automatically become less significant of a person.  

I’m not going to argue the fact that children benefit from having a parent at home.  Shit, look at Wally and Beaver, June was a fricken saint!  Nor am I going to argue the fact that two people really should be in agreement on what they want their future to look like before they start popping out babies. My argument is; she is unrealistic in most of her expectations.

Let’s have a radio host that helps people with real problems, rather than tear them down.  Susie calls in regarding her 10-year old that is out of control, and instead of getting sane advice from LML, instead she gets her ass ripped in half and any sanity she had left is sitting on the curb because the good doctor has crushed any hope that Susie had of feeling like there was a “good Mom” in there somewhere.  Susie now needs years of therapy because she’s been accused of being a bad Mom by working a full-time job and leaving little Johnny at daycare. 

Call Social Services!  Johnny had to go to daycare because Mommy (gasp) has a

J-O-B!

Or what about poor Nancy that calls in and is upset because her ex won’t pay child-support? Well screw you Nancy!  You shouldn’t have been lying on your back!  It’s your entire fault for getting pregnant!  You fucking slut!

I’m sorry.  I just vomited all over this blog.  I’m going to go clean myself up now, and cancel my enrollment into school so I can get my degree.  It’s overrated anyway and I would serve a much better purpose in life staying at home with no education and no income.