Thursday, May 20, 2010

Do I Look Like I Need a Sex Toy?

Comments are like little presents.  I see it hiding at the bottom of my blog, just waiting for me to click on the hyperlink. 

Usually I see “0 Comments”.  But on rare occasions I’ll look and see “1 Comment”.  And on really good days, I’ll see “2 Comments”.  Shut up! No way! TWO COMMENTS??  You jest!  TWO?  You’re thinking what I’m thinking, “Populaaaaarrrrr”.  But I can hardly contain my excitement regardless. 

I love them.  I haven’t read a blog yet where the author didn’t throw a shout out about comments.  Shoot, all the blogs I read have a waiting line practically.  There’s this line cut off by rope and lights and cheers with big overweight gruffy men standing outside asking for your pass to get in.  “Excuse me, Miss?  Were you invited?”

Snarky comments are my favorite.  I stalk my own blog.  I’ve been attempting various different things to get my blog noticed.  I want to be read too! (Said the ugly girl who never gets picked to be on the ‘cool’ team.)

But something amazing happened the other day.  I was going through my blog roll and I noticed that one of my blogs had “5 Comments”.  NO WAY!  I knew I had four, but five?  Who could be commenting?

I placed the other blogs on the back burner and opened my comment box – here’s what I got:


**cricket, cricket, cricket**

**Head tilted sideways, question mark above head**

I can’t read this.  So I made up my own comment. 

“Dear Spanky, you make me laugh.  Hard.  You should come to my country and share all your stories with my people.” 


So for real, I hovered over the jibber jabber and to my surprise there was a hyperlink hidden in the gibberish. 

So, duh!  I clicked it.  Who cares if it’s a virus!  Who cares if it will blow up my computer!  A freaking comment is like GOLD!  I will love you, and play with you and you will be my bestest friend. 
Here’s where the link went to:

**Weird light bulb failing sound**

Completely confused by the view of naked girls with banners across their ta-ta’s and bright bottles of lotions plastered all over the page, I went back to my comment and copied it.  Searched Google® for a translator page and entered the text in.  I selected the “Please translate the Japanese babble and show me something pretty in English” button.

It was like waiting for my fortune to come out of a machine! 

Poof!  Here’s my comment!

“Cheap sex toy toy vibrator Baibuenemaguraotona No Audio Datchiwaifuanaru Cheap Cheap rotor electric lotion.”


**rubbing eyes and blinking spastically as if that will miraculously make the visual different**

AUFKM!!?? (Are you fucking kidding me??!!)   Do I look like I need a cheap sex toy vibrator baibuenemguratotona with No Audio Datchiwaifuanaru!  And WTF did you just call me? 


This wasn’t really the admiring wit that I was looking for.  I guess I won’t be going to a foreign country to share all of my knowledge and humor, Unless of course, I come bearing vibrators and edible underwear.

This is why comments are like presents.  Sometimes you open the box and this wonderful prize pops out and makes you feel all warm and super fuzzy inside; knowing you are loved and showered with yummy goodness.  And then there is the present from Aunt Bertha where you open it and to your dismay there is the biggest, most atrocious wool sweater patterned with knitted kittens and a puff-balls for the tail. 

“Ehm…OK. Wow. Thanks. Aunt. Bertha.”

I just got Aunt Bertha’d.  This dickwad gave me the shittiest comment a blogger could ever get.  Spam!


I dismissed the rude spammer.  It’s unfortunate, because I don’t think I’ve ever had more than 4 comments prior to this. 

**Head hanging in shame**


  1. Come on! EVERYONE could use a little electric lotion!

  2. あなたは私をからかってクソですか?

  3. Dude. Those are the weirdest comments ever. I didn't realize that once translated they are for sex toys/sites. Figures! The strangest thing is when you get one of those comments on a blog post from like two years ago. WTF.

  4. Most of my spammers think I am a flacid tranny so at least you get sextoy spam...I get viagra and shemale how-to's

  5. I'm not sure WHAT you're doing to get these kinds of spammers, but BRAVO!!!

  6. Sada: I've thought about this, and I cannot think of anything good to come out of 'electric' lotion.

    Hanta: Exactly!

    Erin: I absolutely agree with you.

    AVB: I think what deflated me the most was the expectation that I had actually reached a reader in a foreign country.

    Jules: Oh, I have this permanent sign tattooed to my aura that says "please fuck with me".

  7. I had a great translator page saved on my last computer, must find it again somewhere. I actually used it to comment on a Japanese blog.

    But I was truly appreciative of their content, I wasn't just selling sex toys. And really, don't you just 'rent' sex toys?

    Or is that just me?

  8. And yes, comments rock. I saved a spam comment once, because it was so surreal, and it begged for reply.

  9. Sex toy that's a profession I should look into! Seriously. (still laughing pretty hard right now)


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