Spoiled. Rotten.

I’m sorry.  I haven’t been on “my game” for a few days.  I’ve been completely consumed with a ‘project’ lately and I’ve forgotten that I have a blog! 

So, I started thinking about what really irks my goose and aside from the obvious Wal-Mart dwellers, stupid women who can’t drive in my state who are giving me a bad rep, and my continuous inability to increase my heartbeat without getting injured, I’ve opted to bitch about Reality T.V. shows. 

High-maintenance women everywhere are about to throw their ‘Dooney and Burke’ purses at me now.  Trust me, I’m over it.

I know, I know, it’s incredibly intriguing to watch so-called “normal” people go through the daily struggles of what nail polish to pick out and how absurdly irritating it is that Buffy cannot get the tanning bed she reserved.  The nerve!  I particularly loathe the self-centered, spoiled rotten, “My Mommy Bought Me Boobs Because She LOVES Me” ­soon to be 16 year-olds whining and complaining that Daddy didn’t get them Tupac for their “Super Sweet Sixteen” birthday party. 

BECAUSE HE’S DEAD YOU NIMWIT! 

So because Daddy can’t get her a dead rapper for her birthday, she throws a screaming walleyed 2 year-old temper tantrum and demands a McLaren instead to make up for his sour mistakes. 

While we’re on the subjects of 16 year-olds – I just found out today, that there is an MTV series now called “16 and Pregnant” (gasp!)  You have got to be #@%&ing kidding me!?  Now before you chortle and slap me on the head with a “Welcome to 2010” sign, let me clarify, I realize this show has been airing for 2 seasons, but I, unlike 90% of the training bra population out there, don’t sit around from 3 pm to Midnight watching smut television.

This is where you nod and smile and pretend like you are interested in what I have to say about this. 

REALLY?  The last thing I would do (if I had a 16 year-old pregnant daughter) is reward her with her own show!  I may as well paint a yellow-brick road to her vagina and sing “If I Only Had a Brain”.  Are you kidding me? 

This is how I imagine their conversations:

Teenager:  “Mom, I’m pregnant.”

Mom: “Oh honey! How wonderful, now we can finally have that MTV series we’ve always dreamed of!  Let’s go get manicures and lattes to celebrate!”

I couldn’t even fathom inviting cameramen and crew into my home to video my daughter and her struggles with motherhood. 

These are babies!!  Sixteen years is a baby!  Trust me, I knew everything when I was 16, who didn’t?  But it took one death glare from Truman (My Dad); or one tiny resonance of disappointment in TMP’s (The Mom Person’s) voice to set my ass on the straight and narrow.  

Trust and believe, if my son ever gets a wild hair up his ass to play “house” with some little girl, the wrath of all wraths will come down on him.  Just sayin’.

Here’s an idea, how about you do a reality T.V. series about the everyday American Mom that get’s up at the ass-crack of dawn to get their kids off to school, does the laundry, dishes, fields calls from India-R-Us, hides from the ignorant door to door salesman that can’t read the “No Soliciting” sign, fights Wal-Mart and other major grocery store chains, fixes dinner, checks homework, pays the bills and still barely has enough money at the end of the month to pay attention?  Or even of a single Dad, or Mom who works and takes care of their kids? 

I’m not talking about that bimbo from Jon & Kate Plus Eight and I’m definitely not referencing “The Real Housewives from Orange County; New Jersey, Atlanta or fricken Omaha”.  Those women give a whole new meaning to “high maintenance”.  How do these people get these gigs?  Not that I want my own reality show (I’d last a millisecond) and be banned off of the air for making my son sort his own laundry. 

I’m absolutely aw-stricken by the lack of imagination that’s out there. 

Big time representative #1: “Gee Chuck, we need something to draw young kids in, got any ideas”?

Chuck: “Gosh Frank, the only thing I can think of is a spoiled little brat exuding greediness on her 16^th Birthdays and little boys who can’t keep ‘little boy junior’ in their pants and little girls who fantasize about bringing up their babies in ‘pretend land’.”

Frank (Formerly known as “Big Time Representative #1”): “Wow Chuck, that’s brilliant!  We’ll create millions of self-righteous teeny-boppers everywhere that think once they turn 16, they’ll not only get a BMW, but also live in ‘Happy Single Parent Land’!  Excellent!” 

Puke!

I’m done.  Please don’t send me hate mail, or hateful comments.  I’m “on one” today and I felt the need to entitle you to my opinion.