Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's All In Your Head

I think I need to be hypnotized.  I mean, there’s hypnosis centers out there that will brain wash you into thinking you don’t need cigarettes, or you can change your eating habits.  How about you just don’t shove in the whole pack of chocolate in your mouth, let’s start there.  If you can stop at 22 candy bars, then surely you can make your way down to, oh I don’t know, 10 or so a day right?  Well my issue(s) are far more dramatic than smoking or chocolate.  I have this weird thing with my neck being touched and my stomach is, quite honestly, the world’s weakest stomach. 

I’m pretty sure my stomach issues started when my older sister and I would be eating peas at dinner and when Mom wasn’t looking she would say “Psst…Sande.  Look! (Followed by a horrific display of food mutilation, she would then smash the peas with her fingers) DEAD SQUIRREL!”  It would then be at that point that what mouthful of dead squirrel guts I did have in my mouth would be impossible to swallow.  I would spit it out right there, onto my plate and my Mom would get so incredibly pissed off.  Instead of laughing and carrying on like a 5 year old should, and realize that it was mind over matter, I would take her words literally.  “Really? You mean these aren’t PEAS?!!? EWWWWWW!!!”  It’s completely uncontrollable.  Now, 28 years later, I’m still struggling with what’s real, and what isn’t.  There is nothing worse than being hungry – starving for that matter – and seeing or hearing something that even remotely references, animals, blood, guts, hair, spit, vomit or bugs. 

My fiancé keeps insisting that it is mind over matter, but it’s anything I eat.  Not just peas.  The other night I was eating a cold-cut sandwich, complete with mayo, mustard and pickles – the works and we were watching the movie Angels and Demons.  We got to the part where one of the victims was being burned alive and all that I could think of was the meat I was eating was human flesh.  What is that???  Really?  I choked down my 5th or 6th bite and had to throw it away. Gross!

I know what you’re thinking, “well dumbass, why don’t you NOT watch a movie while you eat”?  Well, either that or watch something less traumatic, like the Smurfs or something.    I hold my older sister, largely responsible for this.

My neck issue – well that’s just weird.  Ever since I can remember I’ve cut the necks out of my shirts.  So that could be one of two things.  One: I’m stuck in the 80’s and I’m a secret Flashdance meets Fame wannabe, or Two:  I was a witch in a past life and I was hanged.  I get this unnerving feeling that I’m suffocating and can’t breath if I even attempt a turtleneck and scarves are absolutely out of the question.  So, all of my t-shirts have to have a built-in ‘V’ neck, or out come the scissors. 

I truly think hypnotism is something I should look into.  It would be much easier if I had a problem with chocolate or donuts and it was a simple case of willpower.  Or if my fear was heights, I could just load up in a twin propjet and jump out, but I’m also not about to eat a tarantula while wearing a turtleneck to ‘face my fears’ either. 

I did do some research on the Internet of some hypnotists in the area, but quite frankly, I don’t have $200 per session (6, to be accurate) to drop.   I could use my weak stomach as motivation to lose weight as well though.  I’ve thought about turning on National Geographic right before sitting down to eat a bowl of spaghetti and viola – guess what, not hungry anymore!

I guess for now, I’ll just not watch television while eating (I know, how un-American); and I’ll probably continue to cut out my shirts.  That’s just too embarrassing to go to a hypnotist for.  I’d rather lie and say I have a chocolate problem. 

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