“Please keep your arms and hands inside this contraption at all times!”
That’s what the treadmill machines at my gym should put as a disclaimer – right across the front so you can’t miss it.
You know that I’m good at performing “hard to look cool” stunts, on a daily basis. I don’t know why I do these things. It must be hard-wired in me somewhere because as hard as I try to be careful and not fart around too much, I inevitably either end up getting hurt – physically, or I succumb to total embarrassment.
I vowed to myself yesterday that I was going to cardio it up at my gym. No more ‘Lazy Lucy’ activity. I was going to hit it and hit it hard. There was a group of ‘gym pros’ standing at the front counter when I walked in, I acknowledge them and smiled as I swiped my membership card and tossed my keys into the key bucket.
“Hi there!” says Mr. Brick Shithouse.
“Hi.” I said back, thinking please don’t look at me.
“Have a good workout.” He says back to me.
“Thanks, I think these stairs are going to be my first challenge.” I said back half-jokingly.
I tripped on them half way up.
After I recovered from the “Oh god I hope he didn’t see that” moment I scoped out the upper level to make sure no other witnesses saw my flub.
I jumped on the elliptical machine and decided that my tooshy needed some serious one on one time with this bad boy. I selected my weight, duration of time I wanted to interact with the elliptical, and the desired program – which was the “Glute Blaster” workout. Yay! I am going to have one fine ass once this all said and done.
Level 1. That’s a good start. Set my iPod on shuffle and started grooving to my music. All of sudden my screen starts doing this blinking thing and this little light is going in a clockwise pattern. I’m looking at this and thinking “Oh this is fun, a light show while I workout”. It stopped at ‘REVERSE’. Shit. Already? I just barely was starting to go forward. I stopped going forward and shifted my legs to start carrying me backwards. Again, getting into the backwards groove and my timer says “10,9,8, … 1” and the light show began again. “Round and round and round we go, where we stop, no one kno-“ Shit. Forward. Are you kidding me? I did this for about 5 minutes and de-selected the “Glute Blaster” button. Stupid machine.
I completed 30 minutes on the elliptical and jumped off to head to the bicycles. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure if your legs are numb, that’s not a good thing.
I sat down on the machine and, again, having no clue what I’m supposed to be doing, I selected the “Fat Burn” button. I like buttons.
I de-selected the “Fat Burn” button about 10 minutes in.
I can’t be climbing hills. I just wanted a leisurely ride.
I finished my bike ride (5 miles) and headed towards the treadmills. I selected the last treadmill up against the window – away from all the other gym-goers. Again, not knowing what these buttons do I selected “Quick start” this time. I’ll manually select my speed and incline as the last 2 machines did me no favors. I set my Nike® Coach on my iPod up and decided a 3-mile walk/run was going to be all that my pillars for legs could take.
I struggled, immensely with trying to walk a straight line. My legs were still numb from the elliptical and without even trying I kept walking into the handlebars (that were obviously designed for morons like me).
I held on the remaining time.
In addition to handlebars, the treadmills also had a T.V. attached to them so that you could watch your favorite show while walking. I say that because apparently my favorite show is Dharma & Greg since I couldn’t figure out how to work the damn thing nor could I figure out how to change the channel. I left the T.V. alone and opted for my iPod music instead.
I would randomly select the “+” button to increase my incline throughout my work out, feeling a bit egotistic because every time I adjusted it, it didn’t seem to get any harder. I chalked that up to my superb walking skills.
My 3 miles ended and I felt great! 2 miles on the elliptical, 5 on the bike and 3 on the treadmill. So proud!
I stopped the machine and took my earplugs out and this insanely loud obnoxious noise was coming from my machine. I looked around the gym to see if anyone else was noticing this and took note of the glances I was getting. OH MY GOD! The volume was insanely loud! I gave the machine the once-over and figured out how to turn the volume down. How in the hell did that happen? I wasn’t even watching T.V.
It’s no wander I did so great on my damn workout. This whole time I was selecting the volume button in the attempt to up my incline. Are you serious?
It’s one of the moments that you WISH you could take back. I could just hear people now “Hey lady, you mind turning that shit down?”
I did an about-face and forced my jello-y legs to carry me down the stairs. Grabbed my keys out of the key bucket and bailed out of there. Once I was in my safe zone (my car, with the doors locked) I started giggling. I cannot go anywhere or do anything without making an ass out of myself. It’s this large black cloud that looms over me.
So that’s it in a nutshell. I cardio blasted my thighs yesterday and I now have to hold onto my towel bar when sitting down in my bathroom.
Today’s word of the day is: Moderation.