Saturday, March 20, 2010

Look Out, Crazy Lady Coming Through

Two falls ago I was sitting in my rig with my girlfriend watching our sons at their football practice.  She has a teenage daughter and my friend said to me,

“So I’ve been thinking about getting those Twilight books for Jamie*, have you heard about them?”

“No, what is it?”

“They’re really popular, all the girls are going crazy over them, they’re making a movie about it too and Jamie* wants to read them, but they’re about Vampires.”

Caring less about this topic, I said “Hmm, nope, haven’t heard of them – Wow! Did you see that throw?” Hoping I could sway the conversation towards football practice.

“No. I didn’t – anyway, my bosses daughter is reading them, and he’s Mormon, and his wife said that their daughter loves the book and I was thinking since their Mormon and they’re letting their daughter read them, I should let Jaime read them.”

Having not paid one iota of attention to her I said, “Wait, what? A Mormon wrote about Vampires? What?”

“No! My boss is Mormon and he let his daughter read these books, they’re like the newest thing – you haven’t heard about it?”

Annoyed, “No, I don’t have an over-dramatic teenaged girl living in my house.  I have an 8 year-old boy and a fiancé who eat, sleep and breath Playstation 2, Nerf guns and football.”

The conversation ended and a couple weeks later all I heard about was “Bella this and Edward that”.  Jaime* would talk, at nauseam, about this stupid Twilight series. 

While braving Wal-Mart one evening I ventured over to the book aisle.  I could not believe the hype that this book series was getting.  Why hadn’t I ever heard of it?  Oh, that’s right, because at that time, I was studying on "How to be a Hermit".  

Everywhere!  The whole wall was plastered with Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  Thick books too!  Really?  Teenagers everywhere are reading this crap?  So I did what any judgmental self-righteous person would do, I picked up the Twilight book and read the back of it.  Flipped it over, scanned the price, and opened the book to see how many pages it was (as if I was going to be tested on my ability to read past 100 pages).

I looked down the aisle at my fiancé who was checking out the Dirk Pitt novels, did a quick glance over my shoulder to see if I was being watched, and tucked the book underneath my groceries.  Right, because an alarm is going to sound if I’m caught purchasing this book.  Weirdo. 

Pushing the cart to my fiancé he asks me “What did ya get?” 

“Oh just this stupid Twilight book that apparently is all the craze right now.  It’s a teenage book, but they’re supposed to be making a movie out of it and I wanted to read the book before the movie came out.” I lied.

“Cool.”  He didn’t care.  He wouldn’t have cared.  I think he was just impressed that I actually picked up a book since I don’t think he’s ever seen me read in the 3 years we had been together.

We went home and from there the next 5 days were a complete blur to me.  I opened the book and started reading and I could – not – put – it – down.  That book went everywhere with me.  It was my own little personal sample of crack!  I finished the book and immediately salivated to the idea of buying the next book.  I made my fiancé drive all over the greater Treasure Valley area to look for New Moon.  I finally found a used copy at the Hastings in Boise and again, I managed to breeze through that one in less than 2 days.  I was a teenage smut novel whore!  I needed more.  Give me more!  I stalked Wal-Marts, Targets, ShopKo’s, Fred Meyer’s anywhere that sold books and I could not find the last 2 novels.  I couldn’t be stopped.  I finally found the last 2 at K-Mart and snatched them off the shelves. 

Yes, in less than 5 days I read over 2000 pages of total fiction vampire vs. werewolves smut.  It’s an illness.  I finished the last book and entered this total state of depression and denial.  That can’t be it! Are you serious?  I want more.  There has to be more.  I Googled the author, Stephanie Meyer, and scanned her website for more novels.  There has to be more. 

When Twilight came out in theatres I vowed to stay away.  It was bad enough that I de-matured overnight with the books; I wasn’t about to step one foot into the theatres to be inundated with “Oh my God, Edward is soooo hot, I mean like, I would totally die to be Bella!” Gag.  I’m not that bad.  So I waited.  For 5 months I waited for it to come out on DVD.  When it finally did, my fiancé and I drove around to every Red Box DVD rental from here to the borders trying to rent this ridiculous movie.  Always out.  So I finally convinced him to purchase it – something we vowed we wouldn’t do anymore since our guest bedroom is filled with over 700 DVDs that we have watched once – or in some cases, not at all.

I got my fix though.  We watched it together and I have to say, I love my fiancé for putting up with my obsession of this book series. 

Last night, the Sequel to Twilight came out on DVD.  I had been laying hints down all week to my fiancé about this – prepping him.  “I don’t want to rent it – I want to buy it – and I want to watch it, THIS WEEKEND.” 

Fed up and slightly sick of hearing about it for the 47th time he said “Well, lets stay up and go to Wal-Mart at Midnight to buy it.  You do know that it will be sold out if we wait until tomorrow morning right?”

“Whatever.  It’s Wal-Mart!  They were completely stocked up on Twilight last year; they aren’t going to sell out.  But yeah, we can go at Midnight.”

We threw our shoes on and jumped in the truck to venture down to Wally World.  There were teenage girls and parents and pimple-faced kids everywhere!  Are you serious?  Why aren’t these kids in bed?  Girly girls and squeaky voiced boys were walking out of Wal-Mart with tiny little bags and the DVD tucked inside.

At this point you may as well have strapped a training bra on me and colored me adolescent because I immediately channeled my inner 14 year-old. “Oooohmigod, please don’t be sold out, please don’t be sold out.”  I bolted inside, not waiting for my fiancé and followed the crowd.  The only time Wal-Mart is this busy after Midnight is on Thanksgiving Eve.  There were teenagers everywhere!  I actually think I got dumber the further into the store I went.  I went to the New Moon kiosk and . . . GONE!  Nothing! 

Without even a second thought I marched straight to the electronics section in the back.  I can see the “New Releases” DVD sign right ahead of me and half the of the kiosk there was empty.  I approached it and . . . GONE.  “NO!, They can’t be sold out!  It’s only 12:22!”  UGH.  I could feel my impatience building and soon my feet were going to start stomping and random words of “This isn’t fair, this isn’t fair” were going to fly out of my mouth.  I saw my fiancé and in pure disgust I said, “Out.  All out.  They’re sold out!”  He suggested we try another Wal-Mart.  So after walking around the front of the store looking frantically for any sign of another kiosk I gave in and said “OK, lets go to the other one.”

We walked around to the front and there were ropes, and tables, and people, lots of people – ok, not lots but enough to make me not want to be there.  I saw Wal-Mart workers lifting box after box of DVDs.  “HONEY! They’re here! Right here!.”  Doing a little cheerleader clap to myself (“Gimme a B! Gimme an E! …. Goooooo BELLA!”) I slid into line.  A lady held out two DVD’s and said “Basic or Blu Ray, basic or Blu Ray.”  I stepped out of line and walked up to her and said “Blu Ray please.” 

“You got the last Blu Ray hun.”

Elated with myself, I replied, “Thanks! Woot – Woot!”

I found my fiancé and bragged about how I got the last Blu Ray of New Moon.  My night was complete.  I had officially fallen off the mature wagon and almost threw a fit all over a cult-fiction series of novels made into movies specifically geared towards under-developed teenagers.  Oh yeah, I completely surrendered my “Adult” card last night and it was awesome! 

My fiancé and I watched the movie, drank a pot of coffee and stayed up until 4:30 a.m. talking about the ending and wandering if they are going to go through with filming the last 2 in the series.

I am a self-admitted Twilight Series­ addict and I think I have turned my fiancé into a closet fan as well. 

The hype is over.  Excitement gone.  I was comatose and crashed off of my New Moon “high”.  I psyched myself up over a movie and could not possibly take any more exhilaration.  I need to get out more.  

It’s a sad, sad day when your “thrill” for the week comes from thrashing through a Wal-Mart looking for a DVD release; while hissing and clawing your way through un-suspecting 12 year-olds. 

*Names from parties mentioned in this blog have been changed to protect them from any embarrassment they may have by knowing me.


  1. I read the first and thought it was good. I tried to read the second and stopped after the second chapter. They are not my thing, but I don't hate them like some people who consider them an abomination (I am sure you have met people like that).

    If you don't mind, I have one question. Why do you like them so much? Do you have any ideas on the reason? This is a question that (unlike those who hate them will go on for paragraphs explaining the distaste) I have yet been given an answer for, and wonder if there is an answer.

  2. Good question. I'm not big on fantasy nor am I a girly girl who likes romance novels. I gave into the hype and my pure morbid curiosity got the best of me when I bought the original book. It drew me in and i cannot quite explain why. I guess it was my little oasis / "get-a-way" from the mundane day-to-day blah that I was going through.

    Drowning myself into a total fiction novel made me forget what "real life" was like for a while.

    I have met people like you mentioned. I am a very judgmental person and often forget that not everyone is entitled to my opinion. I think the biggest reason I fell all over myself in reading these books is the Author was just a plain jane gal who just sat down one day and started writing. Thats inspiring - regardless of the story. It takes one hell of an imagination and to be able to draw a reader in like she has been able to do. Regardless of age.

    Is it fantasy and unrealistic? Totally. Does it make those of us who like it unintelligent? I don't think so. I think it gives any reader (who enjoyed it) a break from reality.

  3. Loved your post!!! You are just plain hilarious and Scott was even laughing. I forwarded the link to your post to my step-daughters since they too have jumped totally into this craze. I saw the first movie and it was good but I didn't want to waste the time reading the books....I just have too many other books to read, etc...but I will be seeing the second movie sometime soon as well.
    Good job.

  4. (Dez, you can borrow my copy!)
    I'm Mandy, Dez's stepdaughter. I loved your post. Took the words right outta my head.
    I *heart* Edward, Jacob and all things Twilight. I too fell off the adult bus and straight into a teeny bopper world. When I read the books, (in just a few short days as you did) I was in a total trance. My husband would get so annoyed. But he has fed into my habit, feeding me Twlight sweettarts and buying me t-shirts. Our new Shitzu is named Eddie because my four year old thought that was a 'good' name. Sad I know. I stood in line for the midnight premier (actually the Twi/NewMoon dbl feature) and I will probably do the same for Eclipse. It makes me happy when I hear of other moms/wifes who feel like this nonsense is like crack to them. Seriously though? Vampires? Werewolves? Why are they giving grown women butterflies. I know I caught them. :)

  5. I hear you loud and proud! I'm a giddy little school girl and I'm not sure why. It's like someone bopped me on the head and took away all things "grown up".

    I'm SO glad I'm not alone in my thoughts/ways/random acts of selfishness.


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