I'm unemployed, not incompetent...

Again…if you are unemployed, and you are sick of reading employment ads that require you to hold a degree in some form or another just so you can answer a telephone and write down a message, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting a cover letter for you.  This is the “dumb it down” cover letter that lets all potential employers know that you can be the one dumb ass that they’ve been looking for: 

Dear Hiring Manager,

 

I was excited to see your job posting on Craigslist for the Entry Level position and would like to learn more about this opportunity. 

 

I currently hold [enter # here] years of professional experience in the operations of photocopiers and fax machines and I would like to apply the knowledge and insight gained throughout my various experiences so I may work for just above minimum wage.   

 

I offer much diversity in various skill sets including, but not limited to: taking insults, ordering lunch, cleaning the break room microwave and being a personal “bitch” to anyone who is above me.   I have enjoyed the opportunity to sharpen my organizational skills, research and problem solving ideas, as well as my ability to run circles around my peers and not get acknowledged for it.  In my past and current positions I have gained a plethora of knowledge in writing, aesthetics, designing and presenting high-impact visual aides, all while someone else takes the credit; as well as analytical problem solving and exemplary coffee making skills.  I believe that with my work ethic and range of experience, you will have a well-rounded employee that can not only place stamps appropriately on envelopes, but can bring entrepreneurial spirit and value added vision to this exhilarating position.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to receiving your computer-generated “We’re sorry, but we found someone better” email. 

I get that the economy is bad.  I get that people are struggling.  However, what I fail to conform to is employers asking for Pulitzer Prize winners and MBA holders, just to greet clients and lick glue – all while paying barely above minimum wage.