The Schnozberries Taste Like Schnozberries!

I've decided that lemon layer cake and chili bombs are not productive to a workout. Nor are they productive towards a potential goal. However, I can tell you that they become a very good coping mechanism when you wake up on your Birthday and realize good ol' Mother Nature decides it's a good time to open up the gates and welcome your 33rd year of life with a bloated face and the world's worst mood swings.

Needless to say my potential goal was put on the back burner last week, while I single-handedly ripped everyone within a 10 mile radius of me, a new a**hole, while successfully eating everything within reach that contained salt, sugar, or alcohol. I attempted a walk/run last week, however with the knees already being a number one factor in my inability to run a full mile, the added 40 pounds of water that entered my body overnight didn't help either. As if I wasn't having enough issues with clothing, I had no choice but to wear my special reserve "big girl" pants (a.k.a. menstrual sweats). So off I go with my knee braces in tact, my baggy sweats, and my puffy hands and feet. I'm thinking if I start at a brisk walk, the water that I'm retaining will miraculously start evaporating. So not the case. Instead, the more I walked, the more sausage-like my fingers became. I'm starting to feel my shoes expand and my face feels like it's absolutely going to spontaneously combust at any moment. I made it exactly .15 miles before I gave in to defeat. The absurd choice to wear sweat pants in 90 degree weather was an obvious brain fart on my part. So, my busted ego, swollen face and puffy hands went home to pout and contemplate this whole "I am woman I can do anything" rant that I've been on. Totally defeated.

While working my way up to "fight weight" I came to the conclusion that not only can I not run in slippery conditions, but for one week out of each month, I will be chaining myself to my bed for fear of being carried away by "Oopma Loompas" because of my love affair with chocolate and beer. I now have 4 weeks to accomplish my goal. This is not good.