The Schnozberries Taste Like Schnozberries!

I've decided that lemon layer cake and chili bombs are not productive to a workout. Nor are they productive towards a potential goal. However, I can tell you that they become a very good coping mechanism when you wake up on your Birthday and realize good ol' Mother Nature decides it's a good time to open up the gates and welcome your 33rd year of life with a bloated face and the world's worst mood swings.

Needless to say my potential goal was put on the back burner last week, while I single-handedly ripped everyone within a 10 mile radius of me, a new a**hole, while successfully eating everything within reach that contained salt, sugar, or alcohol. I attempted a walk/run last week, however with the knees already being a number one factor in my inability to run a full mile, the added 40 pounds of water that entered my body overnight didn't help either. As if I wasn't having enough issues with clothing, I had no choice but to wear my special reserve "big girl" pants (a.k.a. menstrual sweats). So off I go with my knee braces in tact, my baggy sweats, and my puffy hands and feet. I'm thinking if I start at a brisk walk, the water that I'm retaining will miraculously start evaporating. So not the case. Instead, the more I walked, the more sausage-like my fingers became. I'm starting to feel my shoes expand and my face feels like it's absolutely going to spontaneously combust at any moment. I made it exactly .15 miles before I gave in to defeat. The absurd choice to wear sweat pants in 90 degree weather was an obvious brain fart on my part. So, my busted ego, swollen face and puffy hands went home to pout and contemplate this whole "I am woman I can do anything" rant that I've been on. Totally defeated.

While working my way up to "fight weight" I came to the conclusion that not only can I not run in slippery conditions, but for one week out of each month, I will be chaining myself to my bed for fear of being carried away by "Oopma Loompas" because of my love affair with chocolate and beer. I now have 4 weeks to accomplish my goal. This is not good.

It's got to be the shoes

Maybe my goal isn't a realistic goal. Maybe I set my standards too high. I'm thinking I should have set a more reasonable achievement, like "I will not eat any chocolate, except on Tuesdays". But this whole psycho babble about completing a full mile in 5 weeks is absolutely absurd. I must have been tapping into my guilty conscience since eating those 7 cookies...thinking I had to "punish" myself by running a mile. It's not just the fact that I look completely ridiculous, but I truly think that some people were not meant to run.

I've thought that I've been going about it all wrong - but I've actually been taking this pretty seriously. I learned that my knees are whacked out because I'm not actually overpronate, but underpronate (I walk on the outsides of my feet) and the nifty shoes I purchased are doing me absolutely no favors. I also learned that there is proper form. It takes a tremendous amount of concentration (for me) to keep my head up, shoulders square, arms at 90 degrees and remember to push off the balls of my feet. How do I know if I'm even doing those things properly? It's not like I can carry a full-length mirror around with me to check my "form".

The other reasoning behind my madness is, if the contestants of the Biggest Loser can run marathons, then I surely should be able to complete a flippen mile! It's RUNNING! I did this daily as a child. I loved running. I had pretend Olympic competitions when I was little. I was the World's Fastest Runner! What the hell happened? Is there some clause I don't know about? Did I miss the fine print in the "Life After 30 Manual"? There is definitely something I am missing. Something simple probably, like I forgot to squat 3 times and chant "I am a good runner".

Hey - it's worth trying.

Day 2 of Goal

I made a goal a couple of days ago and this is going to be a long 5 weeks if I can't manage to get my tooshy in gear. Yesterday was a true test of my agility and skill. Not really, but sprinklers are scary when you aren't expecting them and a 1/2 mile into my walk they all went off. I sprinted, yes, sprinted through the sprinklers trying desperately to protect my iPod. Did I mention I picked yesterday to wear a white t-shirt? For real, I don't make this stuff up. So yes, back to my agility, I was quite proud of the fact that I managed to sprint from my subdivision to the opening of the next subdivision (roughly 1/4 mile) without injuring myself. Of course I had to back track to find my lungs and my breakfast but dammit I sprinted!

I wasn't very successful the rest of my walk/run. My computerized coach from my Nike+ program is advising me to run 1 min, walk 5, run 5 min, walk 15 etc. I can tell you that never, ever, in the 4 months I've been trying, have I been able to run 5 solid minutes. I'm almost positive it's all mental - but for some reason everything falls apart on me when I start running. And let me just clarify, it's not really "running" it's more of an "old lady shuffle" but fast. I can't keep my earphones in my ears, my iPod cord flaps around too much, my shorts ride right up my thighs and I spend more time farting around with my gear than I do focusing on what's in front of me. I was sporting two knee braces because I don't have proper shoes and my knees are killing me and this car full of punk teenagers yelled out their window "Run Forest....RUN!" So I'm wet (soaked really), carrying my earphones in my hands to protect them, pulling my shorts out of my thunder thighs and embarrassed as hell because I was just referred to as Forest Gump!

I've been researching various websites and forums trying to find suggestions on how to focus and so far most of the people that are running aren't near as A.D.D. as I am. I see posts on how to control breathing, or avoid shin splints, or up their pace...but NOTHING on how to keep your earphones in and prevent your shorts from becoming g-strings. Lord help me if I'm going to complete this ridiculous goal.

Lost that Motivating Feeling...

What I need, is a goal.  I realized I don't have a goal.  Well, aside from finding a job - I don't have a weight loss goal.  So, I'm going to make one. My cousin is supposed to be visiting me in August and I've decided that by the first weekend in August, it will be my goal to run one full mile without losing my lungs.  Starting tomorrow, I will workout everyday (instead of every 5 days) and I will teach myself to run.  

There was a day, last week, that I did exceptionally well with my attempt(s) at running.  I actually completed a total of 800 meters without stopping.  I was soaked in sweat, amped up because of my pride bubble and for a brief moment, felt I was looking rather hot in my workout attire.  That day in particular, I did a total of 2 miles and completed a grueling task of push ups, sit ups and air squats.  Ahhh, I kept right under 1550 calories for the day, and ended my successful day with a hot shower and a cup of peppermint tea.  It's now been 5 days since I worked out last.  I've lost that motivating feeling and am just curious as to when it's going to surface again.  See, this is what I do.  I go go go go until I'm unstoppable, then when I manage to find my groove, see a little bit of success and achievement, I trail off into this world of procrastination.

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to tackle my workouts again, until I saw it raining.  Then my thoughts immediately when to "I can't be running in the rain".  Well that part is true.  I really don't run well, and slippery conditions would more than likely cause an accident.  However, not the point.  I got discouraged by rain!!  Really?  Then, once it cleared up, I dragged my sorry ass into my room to change into my workout attire.  I got all geared up - and made 6 batches of chocolate chip cookies.  What is my problem?  Seven cookies, two loads of dishes, 3 loads of laundry and a bug-killing spree later and I'm tired. I don't want to work out.

So I took my workout clothes off, laid them nicely on my vanity bench, put my sweats back on and figure "tomorrow's another day".  

Getting off track...

So I'm going to get off my soap box regarding unemployment for a bit and focus on my bigger issue: I can't run.  Really.  It's fairly similar to watching a 9 month old taking their first steps.  OK, maybe not that cute, but I really feel like the "athletic" gene completely skipped me.  I've been trying to do this walk/run regimen since March and I'm severely struggling to place one foot in front of the other.  

So I went out and purchased the Nike+ pack and a smashing new pair of Nike+ shoes.  I came home, hooked my Nike+ up to my iPod and downloaded this great workout program.  I was going to become a runner in 12 weeks!  TWELVE WEEKS!!  Are you serious?  It's that simple?  Riiiight. Here's what really happened.  (**insert "Eye of the Tiger" theme music**) I placed my special Nike armband around my meaty arm, put on my smashing new shoes, and placed my ear phones snug into my ears.  I grabbed my cell phone and selected "begin workout".  This really charming lady came into my head and said "Beginning Workout".  Oooh how nice.  I have a narrator.  Fabulous!  Then I hyper-extended my knee.  I'm 32 and literally cannot walk/run 3 miles without injuring myself!  

So here I am, 3 months later, a hyper-extended knee and flat-footed as a platypus, and I am just now realizing, I am severely out of shape.  So how do people do it?  I'm learning to run through the pain (ie. shin splints and side cramps), however I can't seem to get my breathing down and I'm spending a ton of time and energy trying to keep my ear phones in my ears, and keeping my shorts from crawling up my thunder thighs.   

I am desperate to be able to run a full 1/4 mile without having to stop and pick up my lungs. Running is hard, and I'm exhausted!