Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What's Your Status?

Once again, I’m going to tell you how I had a blog post almost done, outlining my overly opinionated thoughts on, what I view to be, ignorant parenting.  I mean that in the nicest way – however I should probably quit frequenting the Wal-Mart so much and I might be able to bring my blood pressure down to a halfway normal level. 

At any rate, I was struggling with how I wanted to present the topic. I suffer from the rare disease, Intolerantosis, and by writing down my views on practical parenting (if there even is such a thing) I was becoming rather fidgety.  So, I took a pause break and went over to Facebook to see what was going on with the world and realized I needed to express myself.  I know, it’s so completely out of character for me, but I will try to be PC about it. 

This actually has nothing to do with my mood or my ability to become irritated frequently.  This is just pure satire and boredom. 

I’ve compiled a list of ‘categories’ that I feel pertain to some of my acquaintances on my friends list.  Oh yeah…. that’s me casting the first stone.

So here goes.

The Nothing-Has-Changed, I’m-Just-That-F’king-Annoying – Updater:

Is it really necessary to update your status every 15 minutes?  I mean, if you were on a trip to Italy and wanted to update your status in regards to the breathtaking monuments that dwell there, such as the Parthenon and the Colosseum, and then I could absolutely understand the frequency of the updates.  Party on Wayne! 

There are people out there who insist on treating Facebook like a personal diary.  Again, if you are a college student away from your loved ones, it’s perfectly acceptable to see posts like, “Ramen Noodles again for dinner…” That’s funny.  And relatable. 

However, I don’t need to know that you had “Super yummy corn on the cob and baked beans for dinner” and then 30 minutes later find out you had an unnaturally loose bowel movement.  And 15 minutes prior to that, you were “Going to the store to find light bulbs” and while at the store another status update shows up letting everyone in your friends list know that “OMG I love corn! It’s on sale! And I forgot light bulbs! Lmao!!!” 


Did you happen to find a life while you were at the store? 

This type of Facebooker drives me nuts.  Absolutely bonkers.  Especially when I log in and see that my entire home page is covered in updates from one person.  Really?

The Boundary-Hunter: 

If you have a personal button that says, “I’m right, I’m always right, even when I’m wrong I’m right”, then this updater will inevitably rub you the wrong way.   This person will post controversial news blips, skits, quotes and/or opinions based on religion, politics, race, homosexuality or whatever just to get a rise out of people.  Because race, political parties, gender preference and all things that are drawn with a fine line are heavily debated nationally, the ‘Boundary Hunter’ will always have an opinion on all things American or Un-American and more often than not, argue just for the sake of arguing. 

The ‘Boundary Hunter’ is also a scheming little devil and sometimes posts things just to watch friends of theirs not broach the subject.  Often times you can see a major debate partake and at that moment I find myself brewing up a bag of popcorn, pulling up a seat and watching the fireworks.  Priceless! 

The Creepy-Von-Creepster-Non-Updater:

The Facebook friend that never, ever, ever, ever updates their status.  He/She knows all about you, yet you know nothing about them.  You will see them give a ‘thumbs up’ on statuses or the occasional comment on some random photo, but there is literally nothing on the their profile except a random picture of a fat man smoking a cigar.  If you go to their ‘Info’ tab, you will see that they ‘Like’ the ‘Like’ button and is a ‘fan’ of “More Cowbell”.  This Facebook stalker lurks in the background and never shows their face. 

The Negative-Nancy Updater:

I’m so guilty of this title, however I’ve had friends who take the cake with their updates.  I’m notorious for doing this about once a week – typically when I’ve run out of ‘nice’ and my poor friends and family get to endure my shortage of tolerance.  That being said, when you have a friend or acquaintance that insists on spewing their vulgarity and overall nastiness on Facebook all day, everyday, it’s time to block them.  You’ll know a “Negative Nancy” when you see one.  Not just one or two updates are full of piss and vinegar, but all of them.

Monday:  “Go Fuck Yourself Monday”           
Tuesday:  “Why can’t it be Friday, my boss is an asshole”
Wednesday: “Happy Hump Day my ass.  Some shit dick just asked me if I wanted lunch, do I look like I’m hungry?”                       
Thursday: “Thank God it’s almost Friday, FML”
Friday: “My co-worker just walked up to me and said ‘TGIF’ – WTF am I excited about? Pulling weeds? Because THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!”
Saturday: “What a boring day”
Sunday: “Great, tomorrow’s Monday and my weekend sucked”

This person is so incredibly negative; it starts to rub off on you!  I find myself wanting to comment on their status and say, “Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”    

The other side to the ‘Negative Nancy Updater’ is the person who has the Born Loser attitude. 

“I’m so saddened by the fact that I thought I had friends, but apparently I don’t because no one returns my calls.  **sigh** oh well, I guess I’ll have to slit my wrists.” 

Or – Get a life!  It’s FACEBOOK!  NOT THERAPY!!  You want a pity party; go pay a counselor to sort out your insecurities.  I’m not trying to be ugly, but when did Facebook become a round-table for innuendos? 

(I couldn’t think of a name for this category, so I have elected to call this type of updater – MARTHA STEWART):   

This person is the most fun.  This is the updater who can fall into a pile of shit and come out smelling like roses!  Seriously.  I enjoy this type of updater simply because, as shitty as their life may be at the moment, they always have some sort of positive outlook on things.  Their statuses are random, yet warming.  Almost - innocent.

“Such a beautiful day, I am making fresh shortcake with strawberries and homemade ice cream if anyone would like to join me.  We could then hug and talk about how beautiful the sunset is …” 

Ok – how can you not ‘like’ their statuses?  They are so fricken positive it’s almost nauseating, yet you want more.  I particularly, want to fold them up and put them in my pocket for good luck.

The Tweeny-bopper-Drama-Queen Updater:

I completely get that being pre-pubescent and hormonal is hard.  Every adult has been through the awkward teen years and more often than not from the age of 13 to 16, teenagers feel it is their divine right to exploit their “feelings” on Facebook.

“OMG my BFF is bng such a BIOTCH! IDK, W/E. I’m SFD wit da C!”

If you’re over 25, the above translates to: “OH MY GOD, my BEST FRIEND FOREVER is being such a bitch! I don’t know, whatever. I’m so fucking done with this crap!”
I see this, and I have the urge to ask this person if I can buy a vowel.  Needless to say, these peeps are ‘hidden’ on my wall so I don’t have an aneurism trying to figure out what they are saying.

The Amateur-With-A-Digital-Camera-Who-Thinks-They-Are-A-Professional Photographer Updater:

“You’ve been tagged in a photo!”

I hate seeing these words, because undoubtedly, it’ll be something like this:

 With the description: Spanky, eating cake LOL. 

Thank you, Captain Obvious. I, however, keep a stash of photos for such an occasion and can then retort with:

“Sheila fell down.  LMAO!” 

The Look-What-I-Did-You-Should-Too! Updater:

“I just won a gazillion tokens by harvesting carrots on my farm, but you have to help me with my crops because I lost it to the Mafia in a bet - playing Texas Holdem.”  “Which Seinfeld Character are you?” “Susie just took the quiz, What Kind of Mood Are You In? With the result: Oh Dear, Someone Needs a Nap”.  “POKE!” “Here’s a drink!” “Send a smile!” “Someone loves you! Find out who!” “Johhny found a Gopher in his ass! What kind of animal will you find?” “POKE!” “Help Support My Cause.” “Do You Pick Your Nose or Blow Your Nose? Find out what that says about you!” “Nancy just started a pillow fight with you using a titanium pillow – you have 2 days to smack the shit out of her or she wins!”

Really?  I have 52 different kinds of hearts, 33 beers, lost 17 pillow fights, support 83 different causes and have been poked so many times it would make Jenna Jameson look like a virgin.  Isn’t there a cap on bullshit?  This happy clicker of causes, quizzes, games, and other mindless garble is the reason why I select “Status Updates Only” on my home page.

No! Susie, I don’t want to send you a fucking toy bear, because the last time I participated in that game my motherboard blew up trying to process all the fake cartoon stuffed animals that you sent back. 

The I-Can’t-Be-Using-Words Updater:

“:o)”, “;-)”, “. . . “, “>:-o”, “<3” – yeah, I don’t get it either.  Somehow semi-colons, apostrophes, parenthesis and arrows somehow translate to “I’m Happy”, “I’m Sad”, “I’m angry”, “I love you”, “I just saved 15% on switching to Geico.”  This type of updater cannot fathom the idea of placing consonants and vowels together and therefore punctuation says it all.  And we wonder why the up and coming generation is so lazy?

So whom am I going to piss off with this judgmental blog about Facebook updaters?  Probably everyone.

Seriously, I enjoy Facebook as much as the next person.  It is a huge trend that is increasingly becoming more and more addictive as the days pass.  Instead of asking friends via phone or in person how they are doing, you shoot them a message on their ‘wall’ for the entire world to see.  “Hey! How are you?  Whatever happened to those crawly things in your underwear?  Did you ever find out what they were?”  Or, “Have you told your boyfriend yet that you wanted to break up?  How did he take it?” 

1 'Like'


  1. Very, very thorough. Not sure which FBer I am but now I am going to friend you on FB and see if you come up with a new annoying facebook persona just for me. That was very funny writing.

  2. Great analysis, however, I think you may have forgotten two facebook types,

    I'm Watching [insert sport] and the [insert sports team] Are Going to Kick Ass and I'm Going to Give Play-By-Play Updates as the Game Unfolds


    We Love Each Other and Want the Whole World to Know How Much We Miss Each Other While We're At Work Couple

  3. Catherine: Well since you put it that way...

    One Blonde Girl: I so know those people!! I can't believe I forgot them!

  4. Exactly like it is! No I don't want a Heart of Hearts and I don't give a pig's ass about your farm or aquarium, don't give a shit about how you found your friends, don't care that you got shit faced last nite and woke up with someone else bloomers wrapped around your head, don't care that your getting married for the fourth time, the one that gets me is the assholes that come on and say, "if your child is also your best friend and lover copy and paste."


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